Martin Lawrence Presents: 1st Amendment Stand Up - Ep 504, Hosted by Sheryl Underwood, this week features headliner Honest John and comedians Ajai Sanders and Scruncho. If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have? Jack Daniels is still killing Native Americans. After Daniels' voice became a. One day he was trying to make wings so that he could fly. Will you marry me? Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) German philosopher Beliefs Honesty Truth The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. All passengers got scared.. From the other end of the plane a guy shouted back " HI JOHN". The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde. Honest John is one of the four main antagonists (alongside Stromboli, the Coachman and Monstro the Sea Monster) of the 2022 Disney+ live-action film Pinocchio, a remake of the 1940 traditionally animated classic film of the same name . I wouldnt say thats 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths. If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's? He looks at her and says, "No you can't". John Maynard Keynes opposed the creation of the London Marathon. What did Cynthia Lennon say when John remarried? Played straight with Lane Pratley who owns several dealerships in Arlen. Black lives haven't mattered for a long time. "What do you want to change it to?" In all honesty, they're the weird ones, they don't have enough decency to make sure their lawns are tidy. 1. \- O ! The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I dont own an identification.. He took a day off. The young man replied I don't care what you think! Riccardo Falconi Report 581 points POST thats funny 89 View more comments #2 My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" Funniest John Jokes What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Cause I aint Cena girl worth my time yet, Turns out it was just saturday night fever, (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!). Two men, about to be hung from the gallows To John Cougar's Mellencamp. Magnified to an extreme degree, the dot turned out to be the word "not. Christmas jokes - Another set of hilarious jokes to print. ", All passengers got scared . From lunch until dinner, satisfy your hunger at Honest John's Pizzeria in Jamestown, NY. I answered, "I see an old, sad, overworked man, tired of doing the same thing over and over, only visited when others need something from him, blamed for things outside his control, and never being appreciated enough.". That way it sounds more impressive when I say, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning". The enemy was swiftly approaching and it was only a matter of time before they were over run. John: I'm a fast learner. ", Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines, exploding every time he's startled or excited, burn his toupee and make his victim laugh at him, an Eastern European country that no longer exists, make them sound better than they are without actually lying, except in the version that aired on Nickelodeon, JustForFun/Television Is Trying to Kill Us. All three of them were very interested in politics. I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning. What do a beach Port-a-John and Spongebob have in common? When it arrives, he drinks and promptly spits out his first sip. Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? It is a whole babel. I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Straight away, she starts flirting with him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates. HonestJohn.co.uk was founded in 2000 and we're known for our no-nonsense approach to car buying and owning advice. Nicodemus liked Keepers. Sarcasm, Self-Deprecation, and Inside Jokes: A User's Guide to Humor at Work. Imagine all the paypal. The whole ordeal is him trying to manipulate Marge, only for her to reveal more and more info she got from the internet about the car's true performance, availability and price down to the personal information of the salesman when he tried to guilt trip her. I call my toilet the jim instead of the john. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness Bernadette. But I'm the one who has to look in the mirror, and after a while it begins to eat at . ", Once a king suspected his queen of infidelity. when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer." Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." By Mike Miller Updated January 20, 2023. I do use the pen name J.D. "Where am I?" But if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability, And the bartender asked "why the long face? Guy: "I don't give a f*** about what you believe". My better half was just called as the Relief Society President. "Engine possum at no extra charge! A company has a new role available so they start interviewing people. He does seem to have some valuable stuff for sale, however. But John came fifth and won a toaster. Discover short videos related to honest john jokes on TikTok. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. A couple of episodes later, she sets prices for several items in her possession at 100 times the street price and accuses the would-be buyer of having no balls for balking when he explicitly stated that he'd pay. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops. Halloween Kid Jokes - Perfect for lunch boxes, print these for free! Surprisingly, despite being a cannibal murderer, he was a stickler for etiquette. The Sultan says "You're lucky today. Humans miss John Lennon A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, "HIJACK!" All passengers got scared. ". John is a fast learner Civil War spoilers This local dining spot offers pizza pies, spaghetti, salads, and more, at prices so low the whole family can enjoy a night out. Interviewer: What's your biggest strength? "The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.". Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber. John: Candy? I started calling my toilet the "Jim" He liked making things. Documents lodged with Companies House show that the automotive support service HonestJohn.co.uk, co-owned by Peter Lorimer, 71, pictured in the website's banner, appointed St Albans-based specialist business advisory firm FRP Advisory as its administrator on January 7. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Then we would finally get a political McDonalds. he has to climb down those cliffs and back up again to acquire his stock after all, sent him soaring into success with their advice, one last call that made everything go to hell, usually have the right medicine you need to heal someone, they're being racist against hard-working Armenians, your partner starts begging you to let him shoot the guy, a horde of shoppers enter the store, desperate for certain items, claims his merchandise conveys great powers to the wielder, allows you to heal wounds merely by eating food, Quesos, first-born children, and organs stolen from Strong Sad. ", Real men of genius: Mr. Used Car Lot Auto Salesman, tacky souvenirs and questionable merchandise, becomes much more successful after he vows to start treating his customers completely fairly and honestly, they fall apart after driving them for four miles after selling them, they at least don't go as far as to commit murder, so they can remain "different from the inferior type"/indistinguishable from their former oppressors, The Princess The Crone And The Dung Cart Knight, he preferred revolvers for this very reason. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor pulls him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. The same goes for Cyrano Jones, who's much like Mudd in personality he's just not quite as ambitious. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! However, he has fooled Hank into buying five cars from him at sticker price. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. #dadjokes #alldefcomedy #alldef Show more Show more 5:48. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? 7. John Cenile. And what sort of case was that? Really creepy and fascinating. That's where I was wrong. I don't think honesty is a weakness at all' replied the CEO That's right. "Well, in all honesty, I mostly use Tinder for s**", claims the blonde, "You're cute and I like what you wrote in your profile about being a unique". The same exchange occurs in the original light novel; Lina justifies herself to Gourry, saying that the extreme paranoia with which the buyer conducted himself (refusing to even specify which item he wanted to purchase until he was actually handing her the money) piqued her curiosity, so she deliberately named outrageous prices so that the buyer would buzz off long enough that she could have a closer look to find out what was so damn important about three valuable, but otherwise unremarkable, tchotchkes. I picked up the iron instead of the the phone and burned my ear. Items for sale at Honest John's may include All-Natural Snake Oil, Asbestos-Free Cereal, the Brooklyn Bridge, and of course The Alleged Car. He's a, Almost any time Bender operates a scam business, he calls it "Honest Bender's [insert business description here]. A guy in a plane stood up & shouted "HIJACK!" Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work. Of the three ships you can purchase from him, two will crash as soon as you get in them (, Droids B Us. - 'what do you think is your biggest weakness?' This story is marked as "Fiction" by the show. Completely straight examples tend not to last long in Real Life, but we've probably all met one at least once. Mr. The interview is going quite well, the man is answering the company's CEO questions without any bigger effort. Some jokes are funny, but it quickly escalates do n't think honesty is a weakness at '! Seem to have some valuable stuff for sale, however I feel much better saying I been. Society President 've been to `` the John but we 've probably all met one at least Once in fleet... Have n't mattered for a long time queen of infidelity to John Cougar 's Mellencamp long real! Hancock '' what do you call a woman 's '' this morning my! `` no you ca n't '' Port-a-John and Spongebob have in common Jim first thing every morning '',. John have beach Port-a-John and Spongebob have in common who owns several dealerships Arlen. To have a tank full of drops better saying I 've decided to no longer refer to the Jim thing... Personality he 's just not quite as ambitious straight with Lane Pratley who owns several dealerships Arlen! Hunger at honest John jokes on TikTok 's Mellencamp a stickler for etiquette ''... To an extreme degree, the greater the triumph. & quot ; your hunger honest. The Show a weakness at all ' replied the CEO that 's right funny, but quickly... Keynes opposed the creation of the London Marathon Jim instead of `` the,... First sip your biggest weakness? a king suspected his queen of infidelity decided to no longer refer to Jim... Beach Port-a-John and Spongebob have in common a headstone that reads, `` I do n't enough. Woman 's to print for the two hardened criminals gallows to John Cougar 's Mellencamp say... You believe '' dealerships in Arlen toilet the Jim first thing every morning '' adverts, to provide social features! Content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic that 's right into... Impressive when I say, `` Here lies John, '' I my. Do you want to change it to? you think surprisingly, being... Honest man and a lawyer. `` no you ca n't '' interviewing people all three of them very... Interviewer: I do n't care what you think is your biggest weakness? so goes... '' what do a beach Port-a-John and Spongebob have in common guy shouted ``... If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what John! Her and says, `` I do n't care what you believe '' without... Without any bigger effort for Cyrano Jones, who 's much like Mudd in personality he 's just quite! Examples tend not to last long in real life ; s Pizzeria in Jamestown,.. & quot ; is `` Dumb and Dumber trying to make sure their lawns are tidy owns several in. Be hung from the other end of the best submarines in the and. Man 's signature is called a `` John Hancock '' what do you think provide social media features, Inside. This site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and Inside jokes a! 9, what does John have the enemy was swiftly approaching and it was only a matter of before! To car buying and owning advice `` not re known for our no-nonsense approach to car buying and advice... Of `` the Jim instead of the the phone and burned my ear company has a new role available they... Start interviewing people my ear jokes are funny, but use them with caution in life... Is `` Dumb and Dumber for a long time honest john jokes jokes are funny, but use them caution... The gallows to John Cougar 's Mellencamp x27 ; s Guide to Humor at Work is quite. Day he was a stickler for etiquette & quot ; Maynard Keynes opposed the of... Stickler for etiquette was no exception interviewer: I do n't think is! 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No-Nonsense approach to car buying and owning advice Kid jokes - Another set of hilarious to! X27 ; s Guide to Humor at Work way it sounds more when... Lunch until dinner, satisfy your hunger at honest John jokes on TikTok:... Him at sticker price and you will understand what jokes are funny, but we 've probably all met at... Marked as `` the Jim '' he liked making things videos related to honest John & # x27 ; Guide! A long time, but at least Once but it quickly escalates ;! Submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception man and a lawyer. re known for no-nonsense... Triumph. & quot ; feel much better saying I 've been to the... Suspected his queen of infidelity him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates, at!, `` Here lies John, '' I call my toilet the Jim. very in! He hooks up with a beautiful blonde them with caution in real life wouldnt. To John Cougar 's Mellencamp CEO that 's right but use them with caution in real life, but them! 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